Sometimes

This is how i feel

Love the gender bend Adventure time

Gum/Lee for me

Missed

I missed yesterday.
Not because I forgot.
I literally was to busy to be on my comp.

I'm an aunt, holding her was amazing.
A blog post can suffer from time to time.
If i could just sit and watch her all the time.

I'll post early today and do better next time.
I make no promises.

Depression

It's started as it always has, paralyzed body followed by the inevitable. I'm dragged to the ground, my face scrapped in dirt, rocks in my teeth. I try to force myself up but it's pointless, they have me, mind, body, soul. Was my soul ever mine? 

My arms are pulled back, rope wrapped tight and I feel my joints protest. A knee to the back and I feel my air escape, the abuse isn't done just yet. I haven't given them what they want. But do I know what they really want? Is my voice, my scream, what they really want to hear?

This was never me, I should of never fallen this far. I was never this helpless, I was strong once, proud of the power I once held. Why have I become this weak? Fight, I hear my voice yell, FIGHT! I thrash, I scream, I feel the pain as a joint is ripped from a socket. I must fight this! 

Voice's bombard me and I feel it creeping back. Voice's of hate, jealousy, fear, anger and downright negativity. They want me to fall, but I want to raise. I need to pull myself away from this pain. I've been here for to long, I need to be over all of this. They don't matter anymore just the world I live in now. This moment is now, they are my past. 

I'm pushed back down, my hair is pulled, my body begins to drag. I feel a trickle of blood as my body travels over rocks and debris. I cant keep it up, my shoulder joint screams at me in pain, and my body begins to feel heavy. Gods please, my voice whispers. Gods please, I beg a little louder. Gods please, but silence is my answer. It is in that silence that I know, it is over.

I pull myself closer, I pull in and in that moment I feel everything return to normal.

I'm curled in a bed. My body is in pain. My mind is away from me. My soul is fluttering away. I curl closer to myself and feel the bed and blanket swallow me up. Hello depression, It seems we were always meant to be together...

A rant

Now,
I'm not pregnant. I understand in my own time, I will want support and advice as the pregnancy goes on. But lately I've been seeing a lot of crap flood my Facebook about steps others wish they'd taken during pregnancy. A lot of people wishing they stopped relying on there doctor and more on the medical and home birthing way. I understand it's your opinion.

Now here's mine.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! Close friends who have been pregnant have messaged me and said "Hey, go this route when your pregnant." They send me a link about home birthing, or not vaccinating your kids when they enter school. Or whatever the docs tell you is a lie and that your kids get all these bad things from the vaccines or meds you take while pregnant.

I've had all of this. Vaccines at birth, mom on meds while pregnant with me. Let me tell you I'm as healthy as a fucking horse...If not more. All the health issues I've had are of my own doing, come on who hasn't done the doped up on cough medicine?

So I'll go the medical route while pregnant. I want my kid watched over and taken care of while I try and force him or her out. I want my husband to be out of his mind. I want him worried about me and then baby (but mostly me).

It's not much of a rant, its just me talking out my ass. I just don't want my kid around those that are sick or not vaccinated. If you don't get your kid vaccinated, don't come near my kid....Sorry I just want them safe and your kid will probably be a walking pea try dish.

War Doctor

Identify

There's a little girl locked away.

She cries out as the days tick by.
If I turn to others she cries out louder.
She wants to be free.
To live her life, not what others have defined.

I bang my head against her cell.
I debate.
I indulge.
The idea to let her go.

But then I back away.
I watch her hands try to reach me.
Try to pull me back for the key.

I'm sorry me.
It's to late.
I've come this far.
I can't turn back.
I'm afraid of who you'll really be.

Pages

Its use to thrill me.
The feel of crisp white with black lettering.

Even as a kid,
I always beloved that white felt like pages.
Green felt like grew.
Yellow the sun.

Now that technology has moved in.
The feel of pages has drifted.
I write evn now on a tablet reader.

I don't prefer it.
Its just convenient.

I hold books high above all else.
They take me to that world Ill never be apart of.

These pages are my life line.
Crisp white.
Perfect place to put a story.

Musings of a girl reading

New Years Resolution

This year I will try harder.
Less of all the bad.
More of what makes me happy.

Keep an eye on my health,
While watching out for those around me.

I wanna get better for my niece.
To keep up with her I'm gonna need to be in shape.

Before we know it she'll be running.
So this year I'll try harder.
A day at a time.
One step if need be.

Don't worry depression,
I maybe alone.
But I've got my priorities in order.

Your the elephant in the room,
I wont miss.

To writing!
To health!
To living!

All to come in 2014