Life

I'm set.

Not set in the world, I've just made my mind up on what I wish to do with my life. When you have time off, that's all you kind of think about. What am I doing with my life? Who's doing more? Am I slacking it? Will school actually help me with my goal? Even if I have the tool's to do what I need, what am I going to do with the tools? So with so many questions and very few answers. Here, now. I'm going to do what I need to do in order to find comfort with my life.

Now the end goal of school is Photo Journalism. Not just Journalism, I want to be my own boss. Create something with my own name. What I really want out of this, is something I've always thought about. It's a zine, a magazine built on the things I know and love, the things that motivate me. Like the tittle of this blog, I want to display my muses.

I want to create a Rave Zine. I know Raves don't interest most. But what I want to do once the requited hardware is acquired, I want to document it all. I want to show the underground, the missives, the secretive the FUN! Displays of Kandi Kids, Dj's, promoters, glovers, flow artists, furry's, cosplayers, etc. I want to take pics of it all. I want to write about it all.

There's a small market for it. But the hardware wouldn't just be for that. I'd have other projects, ideas for books and documentation of everything I come across. It's the one thing since I've started this new part of my life that's stood out and screamed "DO IT NOW".

This cant just be a "Hey guys! I'm awesome and will do all this stuff," and never get around to doing it. I cant let it fall. I need to do all this that I lay out, the first sign of good money in my hand is for one thing and one thing only. The acquiring of the hardware. Till then, till school sucks me up, I will work with what I have. I will try and work my phone to post as it needs too. I may need to change my blog, I may not. But I will do what I must to stick with it.

I want my life to mean something, I want to be better. I want the end of my life to be come upon with no regrets. So as I sit writing this, I write down more and more, wanting to get it all down. Mark it as I come to conclusions.

So tomorrow, I will get up and get out. Toward the end of the day I'll travel out, maybe walk around the block and start to take pictures. I will create the worlds I need, create the magazine as I go over everything. A picture or many pictures a day. I need to get better. I need to display better. I need to be a better me.

I will be...

Musings of a girl hoping for the best

Past Life

Like clouds on the horizon, dipped in yellows and oranges. The clouds bring in a past that not only reminds but never vanishes. It's like the on coming glimpse of things to atone for. She's so much stronger then I ever remember, as the clouds begin to roll out and the sky begin to darken. Even in the shroud of what I know she is, she stands brighter then the northern star.

Dripped in the blackness of night, she stands like a light tower. Ever pointing my way to a future I find, I already fear. I look over her from all angles, I remember the scars and the missing emotions. She's given me everything, in order for  me to survive the world I must live in.

I find, even to this day, living her life was so much easier then it is to live my own. Humans and Demons differ greatly, but I know the weakness of both. I find Demons to be more trustworthy, Angels disturbingly criptive, and Humans idiot to boot...But I'm one of them.

With her red eyes she watches me, I take a step away and she takes a step toward me. I side step and she follows, to anyone else you'd think it was a mirror. But her eyes give her away, her body stiffening at my actions. She's holding on so loosely now, I cant help but hold on to her tighter.

I miss this woman from my past, I miss what I use to be in the presence of her. But I will...Will do as I must to show she was never in vain. The woman who raised me, taught me, became me, will never stop being me.

I cannot let my girl of moon light and stars disappear. She will never be my sunshine, she will always be my night time memories and dreams of wars fought with little more then loyalty and trust.

Musings of girl  writing about a person's past

Trip

I came to many realizations as I laid on that floor. The view of others in passing drifting in and out of the psyche that had become me. Now follow me, follow me word for word. Try to understand that what I felt upon that floor was realizations and acknowledgements of the things to come in the passing life's.

Three lives came together, three birthdays bringing merriment and joy to a hand full of people in a small little apartment in the middle of but fuck nowhere...But the place is not important, the place we reside in is even less important. But the hand full of people I can say gather in those times is the life of our souls. It is the beating heart that brings us all together. Different animals, different people, different ages, different everything in every way..But we are all one, we are as we should be we are the everlasting in that little apartment. Even far way we are the understanding we are the enjoyment we are all that will forever be.

*

I wrote this months ago about a handful of people I've come to know. There that family I thought I'd never associate myself with. But this is just the beginning. I know I've taken my time In posting...But I promise. I have a lot to post.

Musings of a girl dancing with Lucy

I will

I will Improve I must.
I will practice daily, no matter the stress or worry.
I will study daily, no matter the stress or hatred of the class.
I will write daily, no matter the excuse or the lack of blog.

I will Improve I must.

Gloving.
Loosing 50 pounds.
A's and B's Only.
Forming poems or paragraphs all to keep it up.

I will Improve I must.

Day 1 is close at hand.

Ready,
Get set,

Do all that is, in order to be what you wish.

I dont know

It hurts, like a dull throb. It's sad how it doesn't take much. Just a mention of a name and the pain starts. I knew what I was getting into...but you know how you delude yourself into thinking otherwise... I've fallen that far.

It hurts badly, she's yipping out in pain, because she knows what will happen. I've invested to much, we care to much. And in the end, we will be the ones left alone and cold. We will be the ones at square one and the only one the blame will be myself...

Calming the Mind

Wrap me in the strum,

cover me in chills of haunted tones,

dripped in beats of tempered music. 

The why's and the hows,

slowly forgotten by the

missing memories of feeling.

lost in time, gripped by nothing more then me. 

Pain must be flushed before anthing can be set. 

Let things such as emotions, heartache and all others drown away.

Be here in the pain of being trapped in side,

Choosing to allow us the hollowed feeling of....

Let it calm you down,

let it wrap you up.

Enjoy the fact that...

Just maybe...

Maybe not...

Wrapped in the velvet of the voice,

The feel of hard hands pressing you into cold concrete...

Oh here we go,loosing all that is...

Failing to understand that...

I will be unhappy, 

Iwill be as if lost...

Calm only in knowing....

somthing deep inside sees me...

Calm me down,

Calm me down...

Calm me...

Forever

Idiot

I've turned into an idiot...

I'm letting my body do as it likes...

And it's doing something....

IT's influencing other factors in the thing I know as me.

I've fallen so far down that I just want to...

I want to be called his no matter what...

What the hell has happened to me?

He's not like others,
He had me the moment he bit me...
He had me the moment I gripped him tight and begged for more....


Fucking Hell!
What's happened to me!?

He doesn't just want one.
I wont be enough for him,
but I...

I'm willing to suffer so I can be near that...
Near all that is him...
I'll cry on nights when he's not around,
nights when he's pulled someone close....
Nights when I'm not there I'll feel as if I'm lost...

till i feel the idiot rise up in me and jump into what he offers...
I want him,
I want only him....
or anything he wants...
So long as it involves him...
Ill do anything he wants....


Fucking Hell...I'm an Idiot....