I fear the things that make me, me.
The way I look,
Figments and remnants of,
a childhood long since forgotten.
By the flashes of bones and blood,
mixed in to scar the body that is me.
The way I act,
warning signs of a predetermined psychosis.
Self diagnosed to be lost in the habits of
predetermined belligerence.
meekness a quality desired but uninvited,
in the making of me.
The way I feel,
Centered then plastered down to the
ideal that this is not how others feel.
Therefore, I am wrong on all counts.
The lies that be, feel as natural as
the mask I wear everyday.
Look, act, feel,
Principals we all face.
Faces we fear insides.
Inside the husk of self.
The things that make me, me.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Distances of words
Distances passing by my muddled mind.
How can we be as the time begins?
Traveling past memories of feelings.
Trapped by hatred and pain.
Distances are just that.
Pulling on the rope we travel back to the begging.
We yearn for the past only to realize the past repeats.
Here we stand now/
Choosing to understand yet dissociating with everyone around.
Words mean nothing but descriptions of everything around.
Distances,
Traveling,
Feelings,
Understanding,
All words.
Left to bring muddled minds to crumbling ends.
Another chance to confuse the masses.
Meaningless, mindless, emotionless.
How can we be as the time begins?
Traveling past memories of feelings.
Trapped by hatred and pain.
Distances are just that.
Pulling on the rope we travel back to the begging.
We yearn for the past only to realize the past repeats.
Here we stand now/
Choosing to understand yet dissociating with everyone around.
Words mean nothing but descriptions of everything around.
Distances,
Traveling,
Feelings,
Understanding,
All words.
Left to bring muddled minds to crumbling ends.
Another chance to confuse the masses.
Meaningless, mindless, emotionless.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
To Do it
One day I'll do it.
I'll tell them all to disappear and to make a life away from all of us. We've suffered enough and still stuffer now. They think it's us in the wrong, but I have to take my shoe's off to count all there wrongs. I think the worse I've ever done to them is a curse or two.
Family shouldn't be like this. Me and my brother grew up quick as kids, with all my cousins around, we had to. We grew up giving everything we could to them, hell they even got our mom before us.
But we understood, family.
Even before that, we grew up with uncle. His fits, his moods, his constant need for the drug. It was understanding, that destroying someone else's house was drawing the line, but hiding behind your mothers skirts was even worse. Gram would protect him, make the lies up for him. Rubbed, that family meant more, in our faces.
If family means everything, what were we?
My mother took her in when she showed up unannounced.
My sanity and my mental stability were shattered.
My brother was only a shell of what he could really be.
And here was stand. A family broken up when it shouldn't be.
They weasel there way in, saying we are the bad guy's when in reality we are being realistic.
I'm 24 years old, my brother 20.
We both have jobs.
Stable relationships.
I'm not pregnant yet.
He hasn't knocked anyone up yet.
We get along great.
I want to tell him to fuck off. To get the hell away from all of us and disappear. I don't care what he says about raising us. He also raised us to not be pushovers or be run over. It will be a day that I tell him yeah I learned a lot.Here's what I learned.
Learned to not become an addict.
Learned to not leach off my siblings.
Learned to not piss on all my friends.
Learned to not piss off good family.
Learned to not constantly go running to my mother when things don't go your way.
I want to tell her to go and die. To stop bringing her problems to us, or dragging us into them. If we cant help you it's because we cant afford it, not because we don't trust family. From her it was easy to learn from, without knowing it you taught me how not to be a bitch.
Learned to not abuse my kids, no matter who there father is.
Learned to not abuse the government and drag family into it.
Learned to not accuse others of acts they didn't commit.
Learned to not use my kids for money.
Learned to not constantly go running to my mother when things don't go your way.
And you want to know what. They'll throw all kinds of things in my face, like relationships, personal issues, and even my father. But you want to know what I don't care. I've dealt with all that. I've come to peace with my dad being who he is, what he does. Hell he's not even married to my mom and he takes better care of gram then her own kids.
But no she'll always take there side no matter what. Two twisted little creatures. Two messed up beings. Two people who are not family anymore.
I'll tell them all to disappear and to make a life away from all of us. We've suffered enough and still stuffer now. They think it's us in the wrong, but I have to take my shoe's off to count all there wrongs. I think the worse I've ever done to them is a curse or two.
Family shouldn't be like this. Me and my brother grew up quick as kids, with all my cousins around, we had to. We grew up giving everything we could to them, hell they even got our mom before us.
But we understood, family.
Even before that, we grew up with uncle. His fits, his moods, his constant need for the drug. It was understanding, that destroying someone else's house was drawing the line, but hiding behind your mothers skirts was even worse. Gram would protect him, make the lies up for him. Rubbed, that family meant more, in our faces.
If family means everything, what were we?
My mother took her in when she showed up unannounced.
My sanity and my mental stability were shattered.
My brother was only a shell of what he could really be.
And here was stand. A family broken up when it shouldn't be.
They weasel there way in, saying we are the bad guy's when in reality we are being realistic.
I'm 24 years old, my brother 20.
We both have jobs.
Stable relationships.
I'm not pregnant yet.
He hasn't knocked anyone up yet.
We get along great.
I want to tell him to fuck off. To get the hell away from all of us and disappear. I don't care what he says about raising us. He also raised us to not be pushovers or be run over. It will be a day that I tell him yeah I learned a lot.Here's what I learned.
Learned to not become an addict.
Learned to not leach off my siblings.
Learned to not piss on all my friends.
Learned to not piss off good family.
Learned to not constantly go running to my mother when things don't go your way.
I want to tell her to go and die. To stop bringing her problems to us, or dragging us into them. If we cant help you it's because we cant afford it, not because we don't trust family. From her it was easy to learn from, without knowing it you taught me how not to be a bitch.
Learned to not abuse my kids, no matter who there father is.
Learned to not abuse the government and drag family into it.
Learned to not accuse others of acts they didn't commit.
Learned to not use my kids for money.
Learned to not constantly go running to my mother when things don't go your way.
And you want to know what. They'll throw all kinds of things in my face, like relationships, personal issues, and even my father. But you want to know what I don't care. I've dealt with all that. I've come to peace with my dad being who he is, what he does. Hell he's not even married to my mom and he takes better care of gram then her own kids.
But no she'll always take there side no matter what. Two twisted little creatures. Two messed up beings. Two people who are not family anymore.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Guilt
Theirs a little voice in the back of my head that says I don't do enough. Every time I feel that everything is right in the world, that little hint of guilt comes in and I find I'm rethinking all of my actions in a short span of time. What if I didn't do enough? What if the end comes sooner then we all thought? What if while I'm away that's it?
The regret is so strong it literally a grip on me at all times. The pain is something that's not new, but it's a constant now. I feel if I haven't done my part then who will? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not there. They are my everything....
Very few people are like that in my world, I feel that if I'm not around that everything will pass me by and that's it, nothing. I'll be left there feeling the guilt for the rest of my life, what am I to do then?
Babies are on there way and my answer is sad,"Depending on class I'll be there,"
I see no one for a week and my mother wants to do something, my answer,"I made plans to see them, since it's been three weeks,"
Laying on the guilt without realizing it, and then to stand there and say "Oh don't worry I'm use to it..." Don't throw my fucking excuses in my face. But knowing were I get it from doesn't come as a shock anymore....
The regret is so strong it literally a grip on me at all times. The pain is something that's not new, but it's a constant now. I feel if I haven't done my part then who will? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not there. They are my everything....
Very few people are like that in my world, I feel that if I'm not around that everything will pass me by and that's it, nothing. I'll be left there feeling the guilt for the rest of my life, what am I to do then?
Babies are on there way and my answer is sad,"Depending on class I'll be there,"
I see no one for a week and my mother wants to do something, my answer,"I made plans to see them, since it's been three weeks,"
Laying on the guilt without realizing it, and then to stand there and say "Oh don't worry I'm use to it..." Don't throw my fucking excuses in my face. But knowing were I get it from doesn't come as a shock anymore....
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