I will

I will Improve I must.
I will practice daily, no matter the stress or worry.
I will study daily, no matter the stress or hatred of the class.
I will write daily, no matter the excuse or the lack of blog.

I will Improve I must.

Gloving.
Loosing 50 pounds.
A's and B's Only.
Forming poems or paragraphs all to keep it up.

I will Improve I must.

Day 1 is close at hand.

Ready,
Get set,

Do all that is, in order to be what you wish.

I dont know

It hurts, like a dull throb. It's sad how it doesn't take much. Just a mention of a name and the pain starts. I knew what I was getting into...but you know how you delude yourself into thinking otherwise... I've fallen that far.

It hurts badly, she's yipping out in pain, because she knows what will happen. I've invested to much, we care to much. And in the end, we will be the ones left alone and cold. We will be the ones at square one and the only one the blame will be myself...

Calming the Mind

Wrap me in the strum,

cover me in chills of haunted tones,

dripped in beats of tempered music. 

The why's and the hows,

slowly forgotten by the

missing memories of feeling.

lost in time, gripped by nothing more then me. 

Pain must be flushed before anthing can be set. 

Let things such as emotions, heartache and all others drown away.

Be here in the pain of being trapped in side,

Choosing to allow us the hollowed feeling of....

Let it calm you down,

let it wrap you up.

Enjoy the fact that...

Just maybe...

Maybe not...

Wrapped in the velvet of the voice,

The feel of hard hands pressing you into cold concrete...

Oh here we go,loosing all that is...

Failing to understand that...

I will be unhappy, 

Iwill be as if lost...

Calm only in knowing....

somthing deep inside sees me...

Calm me down,

Calm me down...

Calm me...

Forever

Idiot

I've turned into an idiot...

I'm letting my body do as it likes...

And it's doing something....

IT's influencing other factors in the thing I know as me.

I've fallen so far down that I just want to...

I want to be called his no matter what...

What the hell has happened to me?

He's not like others,
He had me the moment he bit me...
He had me the moment I gripped him tight and begged for more....


Fucking Hell!
What's happened to me!?

He doesn't just want one.
I wont be enough for him,
but I...

I'm willing to suffer so I can be near that...
Near all that is him...
I'll cry on nights when he's not around,
nights when he's pulled someone close....
Nights when I'm not there I'll feel as if I'm lost...

till i feel the idiot rise up in me and jump into what he offers...
I want him,
I want only him....
or anything he wants...
So long as it involves him...
Ill do anything he wants....


Fucking Hell...I'm an Idiot....

Radio Drabble

Trigger stocked to take the shot.
Targets lined to the end the fight.
Lining up to join this chaos we call life.

Here goes the fire line to stand by you again.
Stop it now cowpoke,
the genius is on the line.

Stop it now!
They wont be there in the end.

Me

I fear the things that make me, me.

The way I look,
Figments and remnants of,
a childhood long since forgotten.
By the flashes of bones and blood,
mixed in to scar the body that is me.

The way I act,
warning signs of a predetermined psychosis.
Self diagnosed to be lost in the habits of
predetermined belligerence.
meekness a quality desired but uninvited,
in the making of me.

The way I feel,
Centered then plastered down to the
ideal that this is not how others feel.
Therefore, I am wrong on all counts.
The lies that be, feel as natural as
the mask I wear everyday.

Look, act, feel,
Principals we all face.
Faces we fear insides.
Inside the husk of self.
The things that make me, me.

Distances of words

Distances passing by my muddled mind.
How can we be as the time begins?
Traveling past memories of feelings.
Trapped by hatred and pain.
Distances are just that.
Pulling on the rope we travel back to the begging.
We yearn for the past only to realize the past repeats.

Here we stand now/
Choosing to understand yet dissociating with everyone around.
Words mean nothing but descriptions of everything around.

Distances,
Traveling,
Feelings,
Understanding,

All words.

Left to bring muddled minds to crumbling ends.
Another chance to confuse the masses.

Meaningless, mindless, emotionless.

To Do it

One day I'll do it. 

I'll tell them all to disappear and to make a life away from all of us. We've suffered enough and still stuffer now. They think it's us in the wrong, but I have to take my shoe's off to count all there wrongs. I think the worse I've ever done to them is a curse or two.

Family shouldn't be like this. Me and my brother grew up quick as kids, with all my cousins around, we had to. We grew up giving everything we could to them, hell they even got our mom before us. 

But we understood, family. 

Even before that, we grew up with uncle. His fits, his moods, his constant need for the drug. It was understanding, that destroying someone else's house was drawing the line, but hiding behind your mothers skirts was even worse. Gram would protect him, make the lies up for him. Rubbed, that family meant more, in our faces. 

If family means everything, what were we? 

My mother took her in when she showed up unannounced.
My sanity and my mental stability were shattered.
My brother was only a shell of what he could really be. 

And here was stand. A family broken up when it shouldn't be.

They weasel there way in, saying we are the bad guy's when in reality we are being realistic. 

I'm 24 years old, my brother 20. 
We both have jobs.
Stable relationships.
I'm not pregnant yet.
He hasn't knocked anyone up yet.
We get along great.

I want to tell him to fuck off. To get the hell away from all of us and disappear. I don't care what he says about raising us. He also raised us to not be pushovers or be run over. It will be a day that I tell him yeah I  learned a lot.Here's what I learned.

Learned to not become an addict.
Learned to not leach off my siblings. 
Learned to not piss on all my friends. 
Learned to not piss off good family.
Learned to not constantly go running to my mother when things don't go your way.

I want to tell her to go and die. To stop bringing her problems to us, or dragging us into them. If we cant help you it's because we cant afford it, not because we don't trust family. From her it was easy to learn from, without knowing it you taught me how not to be a bitch.

Learned to not abuse my kids, no matter who there father is.
Learned to not abuse the government and drag family into it.
Learned to not accuse others of acts they didn't commit. 
Learned to not use my kids for money.
Learned to not constantly go running to my mother when things don't go your way.

And you want to know what. They'll throw all kinds of things in my face, like relationships, personal issues, and even my father. But you want to know what I don't care. I've dealt with all that. I've come to peace with my dad being who he is, what he does. Hell he's not even married to my mom and he takes better care of gram then her own kids. 

But no she'll always take there side no matter what. Two twisted little creatures. Two messed up beings. Two people who are not family anymore.

Guilt

Theirs a little voice in the back of my head that says I don't do enough. Every time I feel that everything is right in the world, that little hint of guilt comes in and I find I'm rethinking all of my actions in a short span of time. What if I didn't do enough? What if the end comes sooner then we all thought? What if while I'm away that's it?

The regret is so strong it literally a grip on me at all times. The pain is something that's not new, but it's a constant now. I feel if I haven't done my part then who will? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not there. They are my everything....

Very few people are like that in my world, I feel that if I'm not around that everything will pass me by and that's it, nothing. I'll be left there feeling the guilt for the rest of my life, what am I to do then?

Babies are on there way and my answer is sad,"Depending on class I'll be there,"

I see no one for a week and my mother wants to do something, my answer,"I made plans to see them, since it's been three weeks,"

Laying on the guilt without realizing it, and then to stand there and say "Oh don't worry I'm use to it..." Don't throw my fucking excuses in my face. But knowing were I get it from doesn't come as a shock anymore....

Long Time

It's been a long time since I've posted...

Shit happens in life and well...

Here I am.

NO Job
NO Relationship
Fewer Friends
NEW Niece
NEW Night Life
NEW Friends

Here See what I'm reading as of Late

Pushing for Me

If I just keep pushing...
I don't have to think.
Just keep doing and ignoring.

If I keep pushing...
Eventually I'll drown out everyone.
I'm me guys...

A little more faith is all I ask.

I put so much into others only to be passed up.

I keep saying I'll change for me...
but lets be honest...
I still don't write enough...
I'm still over weight...
I feel like my relationship is in the toilet...
And in the end it's just me standing by the spotlight never going in.

But I found that I don't push enough for me...
I push for others and put myself on the back end....

We'll I just need to start pushing away in order to push forward...

So here I'll write again.

More walking.
More writing.

If they cant do it yourself...
Let that one cheer you on...
Sometimes all it takes is one...
Even if its not the one you want cheering...
At least someone notices the trying part.

So I'll push and push and push.

For me! 50lbs by my birthday and to congratulate myself a tattoo.

IT's a tattoo for me a tattoo for being all that I can.

Musings of a girl Pushing.

Sometimes

This is how i feel

Love the gender bend Adventure time

Gum/Lee for me

Missed

I missed yesterday.
Not because I forgot.
I literally was to busy to be on my comp.

I'm an aunt, holding her was amazing.
A blog post can suffer from time to time.
If i could just sit and watch her all the time.

I'll post early today and do better next time.
I make no promises.

Depression

It's started as it always has, paralyzed body followed by the inevitable. I'm dragged to the ground, my face scrapped in dirt, rocks in my teeth. I try to force myself up but it's pointless, they have me, mind, body, soul. Was my soul ever mine? 

My arms are pulled back, rope wrapped tight and I feel my joints protest. A knee to the back and I feel my air escape, the abuse isn't done just yet. I haven't given them what they want. But do I know what they really want? Is my voice, my scream, what they really want to hear?

This was never me, I should of never fallen this far. I was never this helpless, I was strong once, proud of the power I once held. Why have I become this weak? Fight, I hear my voice yell, FIGHT! I thrash, I scream, I feel the pain as a joint is ripped from a socket. I must fight this! 

Voice's bombard me and I feel it creeping back. Voice's of hate, jealousy, fear, anger and downright negativity. They want me to fall, but I want to raise. I need to pull myself away from this pain. I've been here for to long, I need to be over all of this. They don't matter anymore just the world I live in now. This moment is now, they are my past. 

I'm pushed back down, my hair is pulled, my body begins to drag. I feel a trickle of blood as my body travels over rocks and debris. I cant keep it up, my shoulder joint screams at me in pain, and my body begins to feel heavy. Gods please, my voice whispers. Gods please, I beg a little louder. Gods please, but silence is my answer. It is in that silence that I know, it is over.

I pull myself closer, I pull in and in that moment I feel everything return to normal.

I'm curled in a bed. My body is in pain. My mind is away from me. My soul is fluttering away. I curl closer to myself and feel the bed and blanket swallow me up. Hello depression, It seems we were always meant to be together...

A rant

Now,
I'm not pregnant. I understand in my own time, I will want support and advice as the pregnancy goes on. But lately I've been seeing a lot of crap flood my Facebook about steps others wish they'd taken during pregnancy. A lot of people wishing they stopped relying on there doctor and more on the medical and home birthing way. I understand it's your opinion.

Now here's mine.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! Close friends who have been pregnant have messaged me and said "Hey, go this route when your pregnant." They send me a link about home birthing, or not vaccinating your kids when they enter school. Or whatever the docs tell you is a lie and that your kids get all these bad things from the vaccines or meds you take while pregnant.

I've had all of this. Vaccines at birth, mom on meds while pregnant with me. Let me tell you I'm as healthy as a fucking horse...If not more. All the health issues I've had are of my own doing, come on who hasn't done the doped up on cough medicine?

So I'll go the medical route while pregnant. I want my kid watched over and taken care of while I try and force him or her out. I want my husband to be out of his mind. I want him worried about me and then baby (but mostly me).

It's not much of a rant, its just me talking out my ass. I just don't want my kid around those that are sick or not vaccinated. If you don't get your kid vaccinated, don't come near my kid....Sorry I just want them safe and your kid will probably be a walking pea try dish.

War Doctor

Identify

There's a little girl locked away.

She cries out as the days tick by.
If I turn to others she cries out louder.
She wants to be free.
To live her life, not what others have defined.

I bang my head against her cell.
I debate.
I indulge.
The idea to let her go.

But then I back away.
I watch her hands try to reach me.
Try to pull me back for the key.

I'm sorry me.
It's to late.
I've come this far.
I can't turn back.
I'm afraid of who you'll really be.

Pages

Its use to thrill me.
The feel of crisp white with black lettering.

Even as a kid,
I always beloved that white felt like pages.
Green felt like grew.
Yellow the sun.

Now that technology has moved in.
The feel of pages has drifted.
I write evn now on a tablet reader.

I don't prefer it.
Its just convenient.

I hold books high above all else.
They take me to that world Ill never be apart of.

These pages are my life line.
Crisp white.
Perfect place to put a story.

Musings of a girl reading

New Years Resolution

This year I will try harder.
Less of all the bad.
More of what makes me happy.

Keep an eye on my health,
While watching out for those around me.

I wanna get better for my niece.
To keep up with her I'm gonna need to be in shape.

Before we know it she'll be running.
So this year I'll try harder.
A day at a time.
One step if need be.

Don't worry depression,
I maybe alone.
But I've got my priorities in order.

Your the elephant in the room,
I wont miss.

To writing!
To health!
To living!

All to come in 2014